My Voice a Beacon in the Night
by Adaniel Soloneldi
Summary: Jackson/Lexie friendship, Mark/Lexie angst. "Strong, warm hands cradled her face and then she was looking into blue eyes instead." What if Lexie had run somewhere else, to someone else? An alternate ending to episode 6x17, 'Push'.


A/N: So, this is my first time writing and posting a fic here since I was 12 or 13, and it's also un-betaed, so my apologies for any mistakes. Any feedback or constructive criticism is very much appreciated!

Warnings: Spoilers for episode 6x17 ("Push").

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters, they belong to Shonda. I only play with them. Title taken from 'Wintersong', by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson.

**31/07/2010**: Now with plans for at least two sequels! Previously titled 'Move Along'.

**My Voice a Beacon in the Night**

"_No, it looked real. He wants to take her to lunch, he's all like 'let's take it slow and get to know each other'! Think she went for it."_

The words echoed in Lexie's mind, resonating in a hideous crescendo of sound that built like the sob trying to tear from her throat. The agonizing truth that she had worked so hard to ignore was now undeniable, her own subconscious thoughts having been spoken aloud by Alex Karev in his usual tactless manner – though he probably hadn't aimed to hurt. Whatever his intentions were, his words had still cut her, and the pain in her heart was searing. Her eyes burned with unshed tears and her legs threatened to collapse beneath her and _God_, she couldn't do this in the middle of the hall in front of people and cause another _scene_, start another story or scandal for which the Grey women were so famous.

So she ran.

Lexie flew down the hall, her vision blurred. She brushed past someone roughly, knocking them aside without stopping to stammer an apology as she normally would. A familiar voice called her name, but she kept moving forward. She knew that if she stopped now her legs would give out and her mask would give way and she just couldn't deal with everyone looking at her and judging her. Lexie pushed open the door to a supply closet and closed it behind her, then made her way to the back of the room and allowed herself to break.

Her back slid down the wall and her knees bent and she just _collapsed_, physically and emotionally. The truth was that Lexie had been holding the pieces of her broken heart together ever since things had ended with Mark (and fuck just thinking his name hurt). Now it was shattered, the fragments scattered beyond her ability to repair. Alex's companionship (and that's what it was, not feelings but not just sex either because they both needed a friend and both needed to _forget_) and Meredith's awkward, but genuine attempts to reach out to her had helped her keep it together, but Lexie just couldn't deal with what was staring her in the face: the fact that Mark was moving on. 

She began to rock back and forth, her sobs turning into gasps for air, the sound loud in the quiet of the room. Still, she heard the door open and close, and then footsteps rushed towards her. Seconds later she was looking at blue scrubs, but strong, warm hands cradled her face and then she was looking at blue eyes instead.

Jackson.

"Lexie, breathe with me, okay? You're gonna pass out or make yourself sick if you don't calm down. _Please_."

His words were gentle and concerned, so she listened.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

"There we go, just keep breathing with me."

Her breathing was back under control, but her tears were not. Too tired and miserable to feel humiliated, Lexie continued to cry while she waited for Jackson's compassion to turn to mockery, or his sympathy to pity. She was shocked when instead, he sat on the floor next to her, his eyes kind and his arm extended in silent invitation. Lexie debated for only a moment before sliding under it and curling up against him. He wrapped both of his arms around her and didn't say a word as her tears soaked his shirt (and when was the last time someone had just _held_ her?).

Lexie didn't know how much time had passed, but eventually her tears stopped and her breathing slowed. Her eyes slid shut as Jackson continued to hold her, his grip never losing its comforting strength. She listened to the steady beat of his heart beneath her ear, reluctant to break the calm that had settled around them. After a few minutes, he shifted and looked down at her.

"If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to, but…well, if you _do_ want to, I'll listen," Jackson started, then continued,"I mean, I know I'm not Meredith or Karev so I doubt I'd be your first choice to talk to, but –"

"Aren't we friends now?" interrupted Lexie with a tentative smile, tilting her head to look up at him.

He blinked, and couldn't help but return her smile with a quirk of his own lips, before replying,"I think so. I hope so."

"Well, friends trust each other, right?"

So she told him. She told him about how things had started going downhill as soon as Sloan had moved in with Mark, and how she had felt forced into becoming a mother and almost grandmother because Mark hadn't talked to her, hadn't asked her, he had just _done_. She told him about how they had broken up, how Mark had slept with Addison, and how she had taken comfort in alcohol and Alex. She told him about how Mark was moving on and how she wasn't.

By the end of it, she was wiping away tears again as she pulled herself from Jackson's arms. She felt so relieved to have gotten it all out of her system. The next thing she felt was panic, and embarassment, as she realized how much she had unloaded. Her eyes were huge as she started babbling.

"Oh my God I am _so sorry_, I can't believe I dumped all of that on you! You had no idea what you were getting into when you offerred to listen and I took advantage of your kindness and, and you can really go now, I'm so –"

"Sorry had better not be the next word that comes out of your mouth, Grey," Jackson teased her, amusement in his eyes. They turned more serious as he added,"I'm just glad you trusted me enough to tell me so you don't have to deal with this by yourself. And I'm sorry about Sloan, Lexie."

"So am I," she replied, a slight tremor in her voice. "I don't know if he ever loved me as much as I loved him…and I guess the age difference was too much in the end. We just want totally different things from life right now. Bad timing, huh?"

Jackson stood and pulled Lexie up with him, guiding her to the door as he said,"It's gonna be okay, you know? It sucks right now, but eventually, I mean. You ready to go back out there?"

She straightened her shoulders, her expression determined, and she nodded. Before Jackson could open the door, she grabbed his hand.

"Thank you for being my friend and, and letting me cry on you, and listening to my crazy rambling, Jackson."

"Anytime, Grey, anytime," he replied, laughing gently.

If their hands stayed clasped as he reached for the door, well, Lexie just needed a friend to help her face reality again. And from the way Jackson squeezed her hand encouragingly and returned her grateful smile with one of his own, he didn't mind being that friend for her. He would help her be brave.

With that thought, the pain in her heart eased slightly and she walked out to meet the world.


End file.
